How does pessimism and negativity affect my behavior?

When I am negative or pessimistic I:

* look at the worst side of a situation.
* say what ``I'm not'' rather than what ``I could be.''
* lack the belief that I could change.
* lose hope in the future.
* take the opposing view in any positive conversation.
* am unable to make upbeat or uplifting comments about myself or others.
* turn all conversations into griping, complaining or bitching sessions.
* have nothing good to say about myself or others.
* complain about the inequities of life.
* try nothing new or challenging because I feel that I will fail.
* get bitter over how people treat me--now and in the past.
* put down new, creative and inventive ideas as impossible.
* limit my horizons, which results in limiting my personal growth.
* take no risks.
* challenge those who are looking for the "up'" side of a tragedy, failure or disaster.
* ridicule those who believe in the power and mercy of their ``Higher Power.''
* ridicule attempts to rectify a dysfunctional situation.
* resist altering my way of thinking, because I feel nothing will help or make a difference.

How do I feel when I am pessimistic or negative?

When I'm negative or pessimistic I feel:

* lonely, abandoned and isolated.
* worthless, empty and of no value.
* incompetent, ignorant and useless.
* defeated, beaten down and lost.
* betrayed, cheated and unwanted.
* overwhelmed, overpowered and defenseless.
* ignored, invisible and avoided.
* like a wimp, a loser an outcast.
* defiant, rebellious and attacking.
* self-pitying, self-loathing self-deprecating.

What are the effects of my pessimism and negativity?

As a result of my being pessimistic or negative I:

* find people avoid talking to me.
* don't enjoy my life and I get depressed when I think about my future.
* find it difficult to be a healthy problem solver.
* don't accept alternative solutions to problems.
* am told that I'm overly critical by my family, co-workers and friends.
* am not a ``fun'' person to be around.
* term constructive criticism a "declaration of my worthlessness,'' and I fail to see any value in the criticism.
* keep myself locked in a vicious cycle of "put downs'' and "rejection.''
* fulfill the prophecy that "I'll never succeed in anything I try.''
* put a huge barrier between myself and others, one that is close to impossible to overcome.
* don't open myself up to ideas about life that conflict with my negative beliefs.
* am disliked.
* enjoy a "yes, but'' mentality.
* lose faith in a Power greater than I am, because of the futility, wretchedness and misery I see in life.
* become rigid, one-sided and stuck in my ways of interacting with others.
* become close-minded, single-minded and narrow in my focus.

What irrational thinking leads me to be pessimistic or negative?

* I will never be successful.
* I can't do anything right.
* People will never change.
* No matter how much I change it doesn't make any difference; others don't recognize the changes.
* There is no reason to have hope for the future; my past negative experiences tell it all.
* If people can critique my changed behavior, then how can I ever be "good enough"?
* No matter how much I change it is never enough.
* Life should be simpler.
* Life should be fair.
* Life should be easy.
* There is so much wrong in life how can I ever expect anything good to come my way?
* There is too much to do to change my life for the better. It's too hard.
* All of life is a "sham'' and there is no such thing as happiness, love or success.
* Why fight it? It's always the same: the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
* Nothing in life is certain except for death and taxes; why take a chance and change my life now?
* Why can't others change? Why does it have to be me that changes first?
* Why can't life be easier on me?
* My parents are the reason I am the way I am; nothing will ever change that.
* I'll only lose if I take on the challenge to change my life.
* People are only nice to me to see what they can get from me.
* Trust no one; open up to no one; play if safe and keep to myself.
* Nothing in life makes sense except pain, suffering and misery.
* My destiny is predetermined; I'll never be able to change it.
* My genetic, hereditary and environmental beginnings are totally responsible for what I do in life today.
* Once I am down, I will always be down.
* All people wear masks, and they are not to be trusted--even when they seem to be nice.
* What I see is never what it seems, so I never get what I see.
* "There is a sucker born every minute'' and I am the biggest sucker of them all for believing in the goodness of others and the possibility of change in life.
* I was put on earth to die so why try to make more of life than what it is?
* I've been treated badly in the past, so why should I expect anything different in the future?
* There is nothing new under the sun; why try to change things now?
* I will always be disappointed if I believe in the good will of others.
* If people loved and supported me, they wouldn't criticize or correct me.
* It's always the same: extend my hand in friendship and get it slapped in return.
* No matter how good a person I try to be, I always get screwed in the end.
* There are the "haves and the have nots.'' I can't change that.
* I am what I am and nothing will ever change.
* If God loves the human race why does He permit illness, disasters, tragedy and calamities?

What causes my pessimism and negativity?

I have a tendency toward pessimism and negativity because I:

* experienced a major tragedy or loss in my past and I haven't fully grieved and accepted the loss.
* have a permanent disability that prevents me from experiencing life to the fullest.
* have experienced a series of failures in school, work, family, life or relationships that have convinced me that I am a failure.
* was ignored, and still am ignored, by my family of origin; I am convinced that I have to fight everyone to get my opinion heard.
* feel guilt over a past sin or mistake I made; this guilt blinds me from seeing hope, the promise of redemption, or forgiveness.
* would rather attend a "self-pity party" than eat at life's banquet.
* don't want to change my thinking, feelings and actions.
* am stubborn and don't want to accept help when others point out optimistic or positive ways of looking at life.
* am lazy and realize that to change will take too much work, energy and effort.
* like to be the center of attention. My current behavior draws a lot of attention to me, even if it is negative.
* refuse to consider that I might be wrong by taking on my "causes.''
* consider those I come in contact with as stupid, ignorant or irrational, and believe my way is the only way to be.
* have never experienced happiness, joy or contentment; it's impossible for me to attain.
* have never felt approval or recognition from the significant people in my life.
* am constantly reminded of my faults, shortcomings, failures and lack of successes.
* give others power over me to keep me feeling bad about myself, my life and the future.
* don't take steps to improve my self-esteem and self-worth.
* constantly give myself negative self-talk and negative visual imagery.

What can I do to overcome my pessimism and negativity?

To overcome my pessimism and negativity I can:

* analyze my behavior with my family, coworkers, friends and others; I can identify the negative and pessimistic behaviors and their impact on me.
* admit that my pessimism and negativity is not a productive behavior.
* identify the feelings that precede my negative attitude; then those feelings I have after the negativity.
* recognize that my emotional life suffers by negative behavior.
* watch for the reactions my negativity and pessimism elicits from others.
* identify how this behavior blocks my healthy interaction with others.
* identify the irrational thinking behind my negativity and pessimism.
* develop rational alternatives to the negative thinking.
* recognize that unresolved anger that lies at the root of my negativity and begin anger work-out sessions to let go of that anger.
* identify the negative self-talk and visual imagery that keep me locked in my negativity.
* rewrite and re-script my self-talk and the imagery.
* pay attention to myself and begin to give myself the approval, recognition and acceptance I depend on from others.
* empower myself to be my own cheerleader.
* refuse to give others the power to bring me back to my depression and negativity.
* revitalize my spirituality and reconnect with my "Higher Power."
* open myself to the possibility that maybe I was wrong; that life is worth living; that I can make a positive difference by taking control.
* make a commitment to reduce my stubbornness and laziness.
* begin the hard work of building my self-esteem.

Steps to overcoming pessimism and negativity

Step 1: First I need to read the following story, then answer the questions in my journal:

The Story of the Pessimist and the Optimist

There once was a major research project held at a world renowned university center. The project was to develop operational definitions of a pessimist and of an optimist.

The researchers ran a national contest to identify the most optimistic and pessimistic persons in the country. A little girl won in the pessimist category and a little boy won in the optimist one. The researchers brought these two children to the research center for the final observational portion of the study.

The pessimistic little girl was brought to the research laboratory where, in a large room behind a one-way mirror, she was shown a room full of new toys. She was told that each of the toys she played with over the next 30 minutes were hers. All she needed to do was play with them.

She looked at the research team skeptically as she entered the toy-filled room. What happened that next half hour shocked and stunned the researchers. The girl systematically opened every single box in the room and rejected each of the toys in turn. The researchers heard her say things like: "These aren't new toys.'' "These toys will never work.'' "There are no Harry Potter Toys in here!" "There are no batteries in here to operate these toys.'' "They'll never let me keep these toys.'' "I don't like these cutsey sweetsy dolls.'' "The stuffing is coming out of these animals,'' etc. When the 30 minutes ended the girl left the room toyless. Watching this cheerless, lifeless, sour, bitter child leave the room carrying no toys, the researchers had enough data for the operational definition of a pessimist.

The researchers were worried after the dramatic display of the pessimist thinking, "How will we ever be able to top this.'' They worked quickly on a strategy and finally they brought the optimistic boy to the research lab. In the same room behind a one-way mirror he was shown a roomful of horse manure. He was told only that he would have 30 minutes in the room.

To the amazement of the research team, the boy entered the room and dove into the manure. He threw it all over the place. He was animated, excited, alive and happy. He kept digging and digging shouting with glee. He was ecstatic. The research team members behind the one-way mirror were eyeing one another with all knowing looks which meant, "Of course we know what an optimist is--an optimist is psychotic.''

After 30 minutes the little boy, who by this time was covered with manure from head to toe, was brought to the head of the research team. The director of the study asked, "Little boy, what was going on in there?''

The boy, with hopeful, excited eyes, looked up and said, "Madame, with all that horse manure, there just had to be a pony in there somewhere, and I was sure I would find it!''

Questions:

A. With whom do I identify, the girl or the boy?

B. How is my behavior like the girl's? The boy's?

C. What would I have done differently if I had been in the girl's shoes?

D. What would I have done differently if I had been in the boy's shoes?

E. How do I lose out on the free toys of life when they are offered to me?

F. How hard do I look for the pony in my life?

G. How reasonable were the girl's comments about the toys?

H. How do I feel about the set-up by the researchers? In what ways was the girl set up to fail? In what ways was the boy set up to fail? Who was the winner?

I. How willingly do I accept the good things of life? What do I do when I receive the toys of life such as compliments, reinforcement, recognition, rewards, success, positive strokes, and gifts of love and kindness?

J. How often do I get mired or stuck in the horse manure of life? How often do I seek out the pony? What keeps me from looking for the pony? How afraid am I to be called "psychotic" or "out of touch" because I look for the pony?

K. What does this analysis tell me about myself? What part does pessimism and negativity play in my behavioral pattern?

L. I will analyze the components of this story as they relate to my life to help me see how negative or pessimistic I am.

The following items parallel my life:

Story Item : Parallel Item in my Life
University:
Research Team:
Director of Research:
One-Way Mirror:
Toys:
Manure:
Girl:
Boy:
National Contest:
Operational Definition-Goal of Research:

M. How could this story have been different for me? What would I have done differently from the boy, the girl, or the research team?

N. What story in my life parallels this story and indicates my degree of pessimism or optimism?

O. I am pessimistic and I display it in the following ways:

Step 2: I will continue and answer the following questions in my journal:

A. What does my negative and pessimistic behavior look like?

B. How does this behavior make me feel?

C. What are the effects of this behavior?

D. What irrational thinking is behind this behavior?

E. What rational replacement thinking is necessary?

F. What are the underlying causes for this behavior?

G. How could I overcome my negative and pessimistic behavior?

Step 3: Once I've identified how I could overcome my pessimism and negativity, I need to commit myself to a plan. Review the following strategies for the plan:

Strategies to Overcome Negativity

1. Get support from others to remind me when I'm being pessimistic or negative.

2. Look for the pony in everything that happens to me.

3. Accept myself as a human being who might slip back into old, tried and true behavior.

4. Select only positive people with whom to associate.

5. Watch only TV shows and movies that are upbeat.

6. Read only books and novels that reflect the upbeat, positive aspects of life.

7. Join a church and become active in a ministry to those less fortunate.

8. Set aside at least 1 percent of my net income for charitable donations to people who have permanent, lifelong disabilities.

9. Volunteer to be a big brother or big sister to a lonely child or visit someone in a nursing home.

10. Volunteer 4 hours a month in a nonprofit agency that helps people less fortunate than me.

Step 4: After reviewing the 10 strategies above, I need to respond to these questions in my journal:

A. How would these strategies help me to become more positive and optimistic?

B. How realistic are each of these strategies for me?

C. How did I feel while reading these 10 strategies?

D. How comfortable am I in taking direct action to overcome my problems?

E. What keeps me from doing each of these 10 strategies?

F. I will include the following strategies in my plan of action:

Step 5: I have reviewed the steps and the strategies I need to implement a step-by-step plan of action. I'll use the following outline to keep track of my progress.

Outline for Overcoming Pessimism and Negativity

I. Current state of problem:

* Toward family
* Toward co-workers
* Toward friends
* Others

II. My feelings about this behavior:

III. Reactions and feedback from others:

* Family
* Co-workers
* Friends
* Others

IV. Present irrational thinking:

V. New thinking model:

VI. Unresolved issues:

* Anger
* Resentment
* Other

VII. Negative thoughts:

* Self-talk
* Visual imagery

VIII. Replacement thoughts:

* Self-talk
* Visual imagery

IX. Self esteem activities:

X. Strategies for positive behavior:

XI. Support sought:

* From family
* From co-workers
* From friends
* Others

XII. Refocusing of spirituality:

XIII. How to measure behavioral changes:

XIV. Feedback about behavioral changes:

* From family
* From co-workers
* From friends
* Others

XV. Analysis of changes

Step 6: I will work on this outline to change my negative behavior. I will analyze the changes. If I find that I am stuck in negative thoughts and actions I will return to Step 1, and begin again.

I will continue to look for the pony life has to offer me.

For the past 2 hours and 33 minutes i've sickly been battling this nasty acid reflux that comes after bingeing. And this is still after 4 tums. It's times like these I wish I wasn't so deathly afraid to vomit. Life would be so much easier if that were the case.

I'm not losing weight anymore... I've been 126-127 for the past five days. And today isn't going to make it any better.

I can't believe I'm back at this weight.... I can definitely see it now. I won't deny it.. It's on my double chin, in my cheeks, in my fat eyelid... on my stomach, my thighs, my knees, my hips.. it's everywhere. Except my boobs. I wish I gained weight in my boobs. Or I should say "boobs." Because I lack more than I actually have. No matter if I'm 115 or 150 I'm still an A cup. Seriously, I never gain a single ounce on them. (And this I also owe to my paternal genes, ughh, add another hate to the list).



I was thinking the other day... If you had a child, wouldn't you want them to feel like they could talk to you about anything? Wouldn't you want them to feel like you are always there for them? Wouldn't you want to have a close relationship with them? That's what I don't understand. Given that my mother and I are really, really close.. I still can't talk to her about anything.. real. Nothing emotional because the only emotion in my mother is anger. And my dad... well, that case I understand even less, if at all.

My relationship with my dad is like this: his mere presence irritates me beyond what i could describe. If he walks into a room, I walk out. I avoid him as much as possible. I get up earlier so I can leave earlier and avoid seeing him in the mornings. Or I rush out late in the mornings because I wait until he is gone to leave so I don't have to see him. He doesn't need to do anything for me to want to scream at him. He doesn't need to say anything for me to want to tell him to shut up. I want nothing to do with him. I hate him more than anyone. I blame him for everything. i think he is a pig, and a pervert, a liar, the list goes on. I am rather rude and mean to him whenever I am forced to speak to him or be in the same room as him.

It's been like this for... a really long time. And I've felt like this for even longer. For years.
And I don't understand how, as a parent, he doesn't want more of a relationship. And by writing this I don't mean to make this sound like I want or wish we got along, because I don't. I'm over it.. although I can tell you that I'm not even sure if I've ever even wanted that. There's nothing I'd like more than for him to leave and never come back. i really just want him to go away. But my point is that I don't understand how he is okay with this. How he doesn't care that I, his daughter, barely talk to him, or that I hate him. I don't know.. I just think it's weird. And I'm sure there are lots of parents out there that don't care for being on good terms with their own children and well.. that I don't comprehend either. Maybe I'm just being single minded?... because that's what I would want, personally. If I had a child, I would want them to like me, and talk to me, and feel like they could ask me about anything and everything.

But maybe that's just me.

I have this idea... or this hope is more like it, that since I lost 5 lbs this past week, that I can lose 5 lbs this week, and then 5 lbs the next and i'll be right back to where I was before this mess started. (!)

Anyway..

I feel like.. life really sucks. And i'll say its unfortunate that I blame my parents for everything.
I'm aware this is going to sound stupid, absurd, selfish, vain, whatever.. but.. i don't care right now.
First off, I blame my mother for choosing such an ugly and stupid person as her husband and more importantly, as my father. Stupidest decision of her life, I have no idea what she saw in him or why she (as DISGUSTING as this is to say) 'fell in love' with him. I don't understand, and it's something i'll never understand. Never, ever, ever. It makes me so angry she was so stupid. I can't even imagine how it could have happened... I don't understand at all.

(And then the fact that she has stayed with him for 25 years is... complete lunacy. It's even worse.)

Second, I don't understand why I don't look like my mother. I'm the only girl in the family, it only makes sense I should have looked like her. I should have turned out with all her features and everything about her, but I didn't. AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY. Why did my brothers get her nose, her chin, her eyes, her ears, her color, her profile, her eyebrows, her long eyelashes, her lips, ..... why did i get stuck looking like this? Why did I have to turn out like a female version of the ugliest man on the planet? And on top of this fact I'm also fat, and socially retarded, and dumb, and hopelessly lazy. Why?....

Third, I blame my parents for the way I am now because.... they were stupid, and they should have known better than to reproduce. I makes me angry, resentful, and jealous to see other people my age with.. actual lives. Actual accomplishments, actual realizations.. I blame my mom and my 'dad' for not raising me with... something... anything that could be mine and mine only. Something I could be proud of today.

Why couldn't I have been a dancer, or a musician, or a singer, an actress, an athlete?

I feel like the biggest idiot taking a dance class at 20 with much younger girls, and still being the most uncoordinated, and the slowest to pick it up, and not finding the rhythm.



I remember there was this girl in one of my classes last year. She was really, really pretty. Thin, more tall than short, looks that made guys go gaga, typical girl that from the outside at least, seems to have it all. And then one day something came up during a presentation she gave and the teacher asked, You've studied music? And she said, Yes, I'm a music teacher. I teach cello. ....
And I thought that was so beautiful. A music teacher at age 18... and of an instrument as classical as the cello at that. It's definitely something to feel proud of. I thought of how nice that must be.


I feel like a fool... with all my stupid dreams and unrealistic fantasies. Who I am kidding thinking i'll magically be able to transform myself someday?


If I lost 25 lbs, got my nose done again, got my ears pinned back a little more ... and then somehow managed to move out from under my father's roof and cut off all communication... then maybe, maybe then we'd have some kind of start.

Or perhaps not.. and I'll still be trapped sinking further into this quicksand.

Today i weighed myself, knowing i'd not lost, but thinking i'd just been the same. Well, i wasn't. I was 130.8 lbs, up from 127.6 lbs... and all i could think was, Wow.. i can't believe i'm at this point. I'm the point where i'm going to be fluctuating between 127 and the 130s.... all over again.

It is sad, or just stupid that some part of this hasn't sunk in yet? I just can't believe I weigh THIS MUCH. I can't believe I gained 16 lbs. I think I may be in denial because... i don't see it on my body. As insane as that sounds. I know i'm huge and I know i'm fat and none of my jeans fit me anymore... but at the same time, i just can't believe i have 16 lbs on me... ugh. I keep thinking, if I could only go back a month, or even just two weeks...


And i just binged right now. Fat. fat.... fat.



Often times I tell myself to just not speak anymore. Because I feel like anything I say, is stupid. I say nothing when i speak. No one really cares what I say.. because i don't exactly say anything worth caring about or listening to. I'll say something, and wish i hadn't... because it's just so stupid and meaningless. And I end up being ignored. I say the same things over and over. I don't talk about anything but my cats and dog. I'm so... stupid.


I don't know how to describe the way I've been feeling.... it's so... dead. I don't know why I don't care about anything. I don't care I'm failing all my classes. I don't care to act rude. I don't care that i'm getting fat it seems.
I feel so worthless. So so worthless. And stupid, sad, angry, bitter, confused, angry... I don't understand. I don't understand why my life is the way it is... When i see other people i wish I were them. When I see pictures of my old friends, i wish I were one of them. When i read about other people, I wish I were them. My life is so far from what i ever, ever imagined.


Tomorrow I'm going to pretend to go to class. Leave the house in the morning and... i guess just drive around? I don't want to go to school... and walk around campus like I am right now. No thanks. I was suppose to lose weight during break and I didn't. So... here are the consequences.


I want tomorrow to be a good day regarding food. I don't want to binge. I don't want to overeat. I don't want to go over on calories. I want to lose this weight.

I'm trying to come to terms with the obvious fact that I won't be able to get down to 115 lbs by the 26th... so I'm thinking i may just have to get out of the engagement. Even though I don't want to... even though I really don't want to... It's worse to go there in this body though. We'll see. I guess.

( three surveys say... )

NO MORE GAINING. FROM NOW ON I WILL ONLY LOSE.


Yesterday: 131.0 lbs (HOLYMOTHEROFI'VEGAINED16POUNDSIN2MONTHSOFANONSTOPBINGE)
Today: 129.0 lbs

I CAN'T STAND THIS. I LOOK HIDEOUS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. I HATE THIS. I HATE MYSELF. HSGDVFKJDSHFKSD FNKSMDNSC.

115 LBS BY APRIL 26TH. I'M NOT KIDDING.

I've reached the very bottom. I've reached the point beneath the scum that grows under the bottom of the top layer of scum.

Over 7,000 calories yesterday.

You'd think, how is that even possible, right??

Well, coming from me its completely possible.
And no I didn't work a single calorie off.

It's disgusting. Thursday I had 700cals and even then I woke up at 125.8 lbs yesterday!!... I'VE GAINED ANOTHER 2 LBS. AND SO I WENT AND BINGED THE ENTIRE DAY??? I had more than enough calories to last me a week, technically. THIS IS DISGUSTING, PATHETIC, SCARY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, WHY CAN'T I STOP?? I feel so stupid and fat and embarrassed because it's so noticeable and my mom keeps asking me why I don't wear any of the clothes she buys me or why i don't even bother changing out of my sweats and I just want to be like BECAUSE NOTHING FITS, EVERYTHING LOOKS DISGUSTING ON ME RIGHT NOW. MY FACE IS HUGE. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE UNDONE NEARLY EVERYTHING I'VE LOST IN THE PAST 6 MONTHS.

It's 11am and today is already ruined. No I haven't stopped.. I don't understand myself anymore. I want to stop but I don't. When will i stop....... it's another day now and I STILL haven't stopped.

Okay, whatever I can't hold it in.
I hate that my life is basically just hours of TV, my cats, my dog, and the internet. I hate that I've never been comfortable enough in myself to believe in myself. I hate that whenever I start to think more optimistically, it all gets proven otherwise. I hate that I'm not strong physically, nor mentally. I hate that I fear vomiting. I hate that I look like my dad. I hate that I don't look like my mom. I hate that I have no talent at all. I hate that I'm not smart. I hate that I haven't had a single friend in years. I hate that I almost don't even want friends because I'm not comfortable enough to be friends with any one. I hate that I have no one here for me, ever. I hate that I'm not pretty. I hate that I'm so fat. I hate that I've done this to myself. I hate that I fail at everything. I hate that I fail at life. I hate that food controls my life. I hate that everything is centered around eating, or not eating. I hate that I can't stop bingeing. I hate that this controls me, and that I can't control it.

I hate that I daydream so much about obvious impossibilities. I hate that I feel I won't ever be happy. I hate that my life has been such a waste. I hate that I've yet to accomplish anything at all significant. I hate everything about everything about everything. I hate that I can't go back in time 20 years. I hate who I am.

Everything is horrible. Fatness, ugliness, my skin is terrible. I need to get out of this disgusting cycle. I need to stop this. I need to stop this. This needs to stop.

I'll spare this lonely journal the eyesore of my written complaints.

Life is horrible. I am horrible. This body is horrible. Everything is horrible.

RAAAAAAAAAHKSDJFHKJSDHFKLJSDLAGHHHHHHHHH

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.

EVERYTHING IS A FAILURE. I FAIL AT EVERYTHING.
AND I KNOW EVERYONE SAYS THAT, BUT NO, IN MY CASE IT REALLY DOES APPLY.
I'M THE PERFECT DEFINITION OF FAILURE.


It's bad enough i'm not pretty, or smart, or have a good personality, or sociable, or talented, or anything at all, but to be FAT on top of it all just makes all else 134652767890 times worse.


And I can't even work out tonight because my brother is back visiting for the week (he just got here last night) and what does he do?? Bring all his good-looking friends over, of course! So here I am hiding in my room.

And all I can think about is how i can't even continue my binge because i'm too afraid/ashamed for anyone, let alone any of HIS friends, to see me in my current state. Not that they would care or even actually look at me, but just the THOUGHT of the possibility of it.....


WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????????? I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I'M KNOWINGLY DOING THIS TO MYSELF. I WANT TO CRY AND EAT ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

Ugh, flashback to that one night I sat in the living room in the dark, bingeing on cereal, with tears on my face and a lump in my throat, but I wouldn't stop eating. How gross is that? Who cries and eats at the same time? Me, of course.

I need a plan, i need structure, i need limits, i need goals. I don't know what I need. or actually, how about someone to slap me/pinch my double chin whenever i reach for any kind of food.


I could have said goodbye to my >110 lbs goal a long time ago. So much for that. At this rate I'll be thankful if I can just get back to 115 lbs. Or just not gain any more.

I'm so embarrassed. I want to hide in bed for a few months. I'm thinking about skipping classes tomorrow... as I can imagine how bad of a "carb face" or 'carb body' for that matter, i'll wake up with tomorrow morning.. I know it's stupid, BUT I CAN'T HELP FEELING SO HUMILIATED in my own skin... in public, or let alone on a campus among all the young and beautiful people of my age.

But I'm also thinking I need to force myself to go to my classes because it'd be useless to skip them and I've run out of free absences and... I don't know... i don't know anymore... I'm so stupid. And ugly and fat. And fat and ugly and dumb... weah weah weah, all I do is cry and complain.

I think I'll attempt to stay up tonight.
And tomorrow morning I'll be up early and go buy a big black hoodie at the drugstore.... so I can hide in it.


PS. I just asked my mom to get raisins for me.... and she said I was stupid.
PPS. My mother keeps asking me what the point of buying me clothes is if i'm not going to wear them and why I don't wear all the clothes I have.... And I wish I could tell her the truth: I can't wear anything else right now because nothing else fits me. But that would only make her mad and cause a dispute. Or I wish I could announce I'm going on a diet. But I can't do that either, it would only raise suspicions and draw criticism.


In conclusion, i don't know what do... I try to take each day as it's own, I try to let it flow, I try to give myself lenience.... but yet everyday ends the same way. No matter what I eat or don't eat.
What do I do... I sound like a pathetic fat ass, I know. But I suppose that's because I am.

I woke up this morning, 123.8 lbs. A part of me said THANK GOD. But another part of me felt so... not to sound dramatic, but seriously, i felt devastated. I can't believe I'm back in the 120s again. I CAN'T. AHSGDJKHASJKDASLL. And assuming the possibility/probability that the 127 figure was due to binge/food weight, that's STILL an 8.5 lb weight gain in the past month. This is unbelievable.

Walking across campus to class today, i felt horrible. I felt like lard, my face felt fat, my legs like cottage cheese, overall like a miserable hippopotamus.

Yesterday went well with 750cals, but i've screwed today at 1,600cals... No i won't gain, but i won't lose either. Ugh, i'll be exercising later today. And no more food for the rest of the day. Just tea, perhaps a coffee.

I'm contemplating skipping my class tonight.. I feel gross and I want to exercise before anyone gets home.

I need to get out of this one day cycle. I can't stand myself.

OH. MY. -------. 127.4 lbs this morning???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT THE SJKGSHDFJSD:LAKSJALKDASDASGMFSNK. (And this was after I took a dump).
This can't be true. I can't believe this. I refuse to believe I've gained 12 lbs in this past month... I refuse to. I'm going to ignore it because it's too much to handle. Oh gosh... I'm so close to 130, it's... alarming. I've gone so far overboard.. what have I done? ..


I'm at a loss at what to do. I decide to eat vegetables and that ends up in 3,000cals. I say I won't eat anything and that ends up in 3,000cals. I set goals and limits for myself and that ends up in 3,000cals. No foods are safe any longer because anything and everything provokes overeating. And worse is that on top of all this eating, I'm becoming lazy with exercise and not even doing it at all. Last night I had to push myself to do just an hour... considering I use to do 2 to 3 every night.



Today is the first day of my new life. No more bingeing, no more bingeing and no more bingeing. I will lose all this weight and more. It is not fun to be like this. It does not feel good to be this way and act this way.

Yesterday I went to the mall, my mom had a discount so she bought me a tee and a blouse and when I asked, "small or medium?" She said MEDIUM TO BOTH. I felt so.... embarrassed. This weight is that obvious...... I'm so obvious.. It's so obvious what i've been doing.. stuffing my face.. I think because I do it when no one is around and I hide the wrappers and empty boxes that no one else will know but me?? Well guess what? My huge body gives it away. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.


I have all the resources to do this, tons of vegetables, tons of fruit, and every other healthy option all at my disposal. I have no reason to fail or screw this up even further. But why did I have to let it get to this?

And I think I'll be skipping class today... once again. Too ashamed to look like this.

SO EMBARRASSED.


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GOD. You don't even know.

Why I need to lose 10 lbs:

1.) I want to be at least a little happy.
2.) I have a minimum of 10 pairs of pants/jeans that I don't fit into anymore.
3.) I'd like to feel less embarrassed of myself.
4.) I want to feel better about myself.
5.) I don't want to skip classes every week because 'i feel too fat.'
6.) I want to stop being so consumed by exercise.
7.) I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, the least I can do is be thin.
8.) It's embarrassing to wear the same two jeans and the same three hoodies all week, every week.

I can't even last more than a day.

3,000cals.
UGHHHHHHSDGLFKSJDFHLKJDLHFKJSDFDFDSFSDLKJAHSJDDX AMSCDAHKSBDL KASJDB.

What do I do????

I think I'm going to stay up tonight, and that way I can sleep all day tomorrow and that way won't be able to stuff my face.

ARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHSDHLFKJDK JHSDKF DJKHSFQEPOUOEIJ:RIOJ?AEKJRL DSFJS KDFN<>SMDNFLAK

I'm so fat, yet i keep eating and eating and eating.

As if it's not embarrassing enough to be me, I am a fat me getting fatter.

For the first time in more than two months, my weight went DOWN, instead of up. I had 1,000cals yesterday and this morning I went down to 121.0 lbs from 122.4 lbs.

I'm trying not to let this 7 lbs weight gain get to me. I'm trying not to get desperate or let it depress me in a way that's... destructive, or stupid, I guess.

I want to focus on slower, more healthy and more importantly more permanent weight loss from now on.

It's funny because I'd been thinking like this all day yesterday and for most of today... but then what did I do? Of course overate. Once again. But I will not beat myself up over this. After all, 500cals of it was from fiber one, lol...

And I'm also going to lighten up on exercise. Every other day only.

.. I'm becoming a polar opposite of what I was these past months. I dunno, i'm burnt out. And fat. But optimistic?..


Anyway, that is all. I don't feel like writing on here.

It's 3am, and i just binged.
On top of the fact that my total for the day was already 2,300cals.

Do I count this on yesterday's tab or today's?

I gave up today. I didn't just give in, but I gave up. I stopped halfway through my workout. I stopped, just like that. For the first time in so long, i gave up on a workout. I didn't care about the compensation of it, I didn't care about getting fat because I already feel as fat as ever. My fat jeans fit me just right. How pathetic is that?

I went straight to the kitchen, fruit. But that quickly turned into cereal, bread, chocolate.. I hated that there was nothing actually good to binge on. So I just filled up on... filler foods. Foods to fill this emptiness inside me. Foods that don't even feel good. Foods that feel horrible.

I always say its the last time. I always tell myself it's the last time. What's this? Day 23 of this? I'm subconsciously trying to get to a full month aren't i?

No... no, no, no. I can't keep doing this. When i feel like this, my anxiety increases, my self-consciousness increases, my schoolwork suffers even further and I want to hide in my room forever.

I still have to shower, do my lab report... and leave to class at 7am to fail my chemistry exam. I'm contemplating skipping the whole thing... This class will sure be fun to repeat in the fall.

God.. Look at me. What am I doing? Why can't i get out of this?

I keep thinking that if I eat all my binge/junk food "today," it'll solve the problem and it will keep me from bingeing "tomorrow."

This is a stupid thought. It doesn't work. Because I'll binge on anything and everything.
Today's tomorrows and yesterday's todays repeat themselves over and over. 22 days. 4 days of restriction, 18 days of utter failure.

My bingeing have never been this prolonged. I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't even try. My pitiful attempts to deterred my mind from food are useless. Because I don't even listen to myself or my mind or my body anymore. All i do is give in to cravings. I see it, i eat it. I don't even have to want it. I just eat it. How can I be doing this to myself? I haven't weighed myself in over a week... do I even want to know? No...

What happened to all my control? What happened to just saying no?
I look so horrible, i feel so disgusting, yet look at me continue this cycle.


Blah blah blah, boring, boring, pathetic.

I wasn't going to binge. I ate so much. 3c cauliflower, 1c broccoli, 10 baby brussel sprouts, 25 oz. strawberries, (seriously), 3.5c fiber one (oh god), 2 apples, 1c almond milk.. all in attempts to keep myself from indulging into something worse. And yet I still ended up committing to junk of tons of calories more. Sweet bread, cheese, cookies, peanuts, more bread...


I want to cry thinking about the exercise I will be doing tonight. And even more so because of the fact that I just found out that machines can overestimate calories burned by up to 50%??????! I knew they overestimated... but not by that much.. So all this time... i've barely been burning half of what i eat.

I unofficially dropped out of my english class. I'm a 2nd semester sophomore and I just dropped freshman composition because I can't write and I'm lazy.
I'm thinking I'll skip my Latin class again tomorrow. That'll be a week and a half I've missed... why? Because I'm embarrassed to be fat. I'm embarrassed to be me.
I have a chemistry exam this Friday and I have absolutely no idea... about anything in that class.

This is horrible. Why can't i control myself? I eat and eat and eat. Is it normal to eat this much? No. I hate myself. I hate doing this. What else can I say? I want to give up.

Wow, i only lasted a day. At first I couldn't even find anything to binge on, and I frantically searched the pantry and then there in the back, some 100cal packs... You should have heard the huge sigh of relief I gave out. Like, YES SOMETHING GOOD TO BINGE ON. Ugh. The box was devoured in less than 10mins.

But it's okay, total I kept it under 3,000cals, which is sadly not as bad as usual... And I can burn that tonight in about 2 hours and half, so... I guess that's what i get.

The next few days will not be like this though. I can promise you that. Reasons will come in a follow-up post.

And especially so since this morning... I weighed in at 122.4 lbs.. meaning I had only gained even more weight after the last time I had weighed myself... (which makes sense since it was followed by a near 5,000cal binge). But yeah... wow.. I've gained MORE than 7 lbs... how depressing.
This weight isn't going to come off as easily as I'd like to imagine.


Today was weird. I have lab on Fridays and when we had to form partners at the beginning of the semestre, it was kind of a mutual reluctance/settlement between the both of us because we were the only ones in the last row. And well anyway, I hate partner/group work to begin with, it stresses me out. But the point is, I always feel really bad for the person who gets stuck with me because I'm a) dumb, b) really quiet/shy/not talkative/boring and c) really quiet.
So it always super awkward and silent between the both of us and for some reason every single other group in the class always has something to talk/rave about so the room is super noisy except me and him... Which is always the case with me, which is why I always feel bad for the person who is forced to be partnered with me. Because I mean, he'd turn around and mutter something to the group behind us and they'd break out in laughter. Then he turns back to me and it's... back to the silence. I don't know why I can't keep a conversation up.. ever. It's why I don't have friends, it's why its so hard to even try to make friends. I'm too paranoid and self-critical of myself.
But anyway, today was weird because during lab he asked me if I was understanding things in lecture and everything and I was like, LOLZ no.. i don't know anything, blah, blah, I'm so behind. And I told him I was considering going to the tutoring center. And then he was like, If you need help studying or understanding things I'm at the library on Thursdays. And honestly, it really caught me off guard. But my first instinct was to say something to get out of it. But I didn't even have to lie, since Thursdays I'm only on-campus from 8-9am, but then he was like, Well, I can help you any other day too; Wednesdays, or, any other day.. that is if you want. I didn't know what to say, I couldn't come up with an excuse quick enough, and I already felt bad in my mind and I don't even remember if I said thank you. I think I was just kind of like, Really? Yeah... I don't know... I felt so bad, but at the same time I was like Why in the world would he offer to help me/spend boring time with me trying to explain chemistry to me? I like, do not understand.... It's so weird. I'm surprised anyone at all would ever offer help like this. Let alone, this kid.
Maybe he's just nice. I don't know... I don't even know what to think of it, if anything at all.

I can't believe I just wrote this much about something so... pointless. Gosh, it's been so long since I even talk to any other living being in my age group... that.. insignificant little incidents like this become the highlights of my journal discussions. How dull.